Top 4 Funny Things I Remember About Christmas
Our family was kind of weird. But whose family isn’t?
During a pandemic, Christmas provides you time to think about the times you used to gather together as a large family and celebrate the holiday. This year we’re supposed to obey health guidelines and keep get-togethers small or not have them at all.
I thought back through my 49 Christmases on this earth, and here are some of the funnier and more unusual Christmas moments I remember.
The Worst Place To Be On Christmas Morning
I grew up in a suburb of Chicago, and every year on Christmas Eve we always had my grandparents, a couple of good friends, and my crazy uncle over for Christmas Eve dinner in 1978. Of course, there was alcohol served, and my uncle decided to drive home. It was already a snowy year, and according to the weather history for Chicago on that date, there was snow falling.
My uncle decided to drive home. He got in his car, made it down the street, and plowed his automobile headlong into a snowbank. After stumbling back to our house, he passed out on the floor in front of the Christmas tree — which was the worst place to be on Christmas morning when my sister and I trampled him to get to our presents. In the future, he spoke of this as the “Charge of the Light Brigade” and said it was the worst hangover remedy he ever had.
The Year We Had A Second Christmas
I was a big Star Wars fan growing up — what kid wasn’t in the late ‘70s? That movie became our beacon of hope throughout our lives. The Christmas of 1979 was significant since I remember finally getting a Chewbacca 15” action figure for Christmas. Chewbacca and Darth Vader were the most expensive action figures in that line at the time.
My sister collected Barbie dolls (surprise) and received a new one for Christmas. Naturally, Chewie was harassing Ken, Barbie and her dream house as any good Wookie would do — and we got into a huge fight. Since this was the second night of holiday drinking, my father had a limited amount of patience and threatened to get rid of our new toys if we didn’t calm down.
The fight intensified, and my father reached the breaking point. He went to the garage, got a black garbage bag, grabbed all the toys, put them in the bag, and carried it out the curb. My sister and I were howling and screaming he couldn’t do that and my mom was trying to talk some sense into him — but my father was unrelenting.
The problem was that the day after Christmas was when they picked up the trash in my neighborhood. So if that bag was not rescued — our new toys would be going to the dump. My sister and I were told to go to bed, and my father would think about recovering the bag before the garbagemen showed up in the morning.
My father slept on it, and my mother got him to reconsider, so on December 26, 1979, we had a second Christmas when the toys reappeared in the house.
Wait, Santa is Where?
Every kid believes in Santa, and as kids, my sister and I also did. We’d leave him cookies and milk and make sure we were asleep early on Christmas Eve so that Santa wouldn’t miss our house. One Christmas Eve stood out in my mind since it turned into a panicked circus.
On that night, our neighbor across the street decided to have a holiday party. It was a pretty loud affair and even though it was freezing outside and there was snow on the ground — people were out talking on the front lawn. It was early enough in the evening, and my sister and I had not gone to bed yet.
A cheer arose from outside, and my sister and I ran to the front bay window to see what was going on across the street. We saw Santa Claus going up the stairs to our neighbor’s house with a sack of toys on his back to our astonishment. Our amazement rapidly turned to terror since we thought that since we weren’t asleep, Santa would skip our house and not leave us any toys.
My parents were in the kitchen, heard the cries of terror, and ran into the room. We gestured and pointed out the window at the jolly fat man entering the building across the street (who was probably sauced since he had a hard time getting up the stairs). Now the two kids who didn’t want to sleep on Christmas Eve were clambering over them in a rush to get to bed and get to sleep before Santa got to our house, which was only five minutes away. The rest of the guests over at the time were quite amused at our discovery.
The Spaghetti Incident
The first year my wife and I were married, we went to my parent’s house for Christmas dinner. Most people celebrate the holiday with a large turkey, a lovely ham, or a prepared rack of lamb. I informed her that she could expect the dinner at my parent’s house to be spaghetti.
She looked at me quizzically and said, “Spaghetti… you’re of German and Polish descent, so why spaghetti?” That’s when I described to her what I called “The Spaghetti Incident.”
For several years, we used to have a large turkey with dressing and all the trimmings on Christmas. One year the turkey was put in the oven on Christmas morning for dinner that night. I don’t know exactly what transpired — but when the turkey was put on the table, my father carved it with a fork — it crumbled into dust like the turkey in Christmas Vacation. The turkey was the centerpiece for the 20 or so relatives seated at the table, and chaos ensued. People were upset, and consequently, the finger-pointing began.
The only person who didn’t descend into the fray was my grandmother. She calmly went into the kitchen, looked through the pantry, and started to make a meal that would feed her family. She began to assemble a vat of spaghetti. My grandmother was an excellent cook. The spaghetti she prepared was the best we had ever had (after everyone calmed down and had a drink). Every year afterward, my mother made spaghetti for Christmas dinner from my grandmother’s recipe to avoid any other complications.
Hope Your Christmas is Merry
Even though you may not be able to get together with your family, hopefully, the memories of Christmases past will sustain that bond. Merry Christmas and have a great holiday — here’s to a better year and an even better Christmas in 2021!
